When did being a Regular Black girl become a bad thing?

I’ll admit, I’m not THAT into celebrity news or the gossip blogs, but every now and then I’ll scan these websites to see what’s going on. This morning was no different, I thought I’d do a quick scan before I hopped out of bed and that would be that.. I would soon be on my way! Just like any other day, there was a little Beyonce this and Rihanna that.. the usual. Then I stumbled across this story about Kevin Durant on a date. How trivial? People go on dates everyday. What’s the problem? But what the headline went on to say was that Durant was with a “regular BLACK chick”. 

YIKES! When did being a Black ‘chick’ become a bad thing?

 And God forbid being a ‘regular’ Black ‘chick’. This the writer contrasted with the idea that Durant could or should be dating some ‘exotic’ beauty. I assume the author was implying that his date should have had long flowing hair, rich glowing skin, and any other list of qualities that would make one look the opposite of a ‘regular’ Black ‘chick’. Now, don’t get me wrong.. I think ALL women are beautiful whether from St. Lucia or St. Louis.. so in no way am I trying to demean women from other  cultures, ethnicities, or nationalities, but I think we have to dig deeper into what these messages tell all of the little ‘regular’ Black girls about themselves.     

The writer of the article goes on to say that the Durant and his companion were out on the town and trying to hide from the paparazzi cameras and ends the article with the line “Cute Couple”! Too bad the damage is already done. 

This message along with a litany of others, tells little Black girls that they just aren’t enough! That there beauty isn’t enough, that their minds aren’t enough, that their very existence is not ENOUGH. Now, I know someone reading this is saying that’s not what the article is saying and is calling me out for reading too much into this blog post, but I have to challenge that. 

By calling to our attention that KD (as he is affectionately called), is on a date with a Black woman as if it is out of the norm, says a lot about our culture and how we view Black women. This idea that a man of his social and financial standing could have or should have a ‘different kind’ woman speaks volumes to the value we have placed on Black women. We are essentially saying that once you make it, you no longer have to date Black girls, that the standards for you should be ‘higher’. 

This is where I get all weird inside. Black girls should not be seen as some unwanted alternative. The value, the beauty, the mere presence of all things Black women is being stripped away and SPAT on and it is our job to recognize that. We have to be aware of how these images set the precedence for how others view and understand Black women and girls and how these messages shape the way Black women and girls view and ultimately conceptualize themselves. 

I believe our first job is to be AWARE of what it is that we are allowing to be said about Black women and girls! This image although seemingly harmless on the surface is jam packed with messages that launch a FULL SCALE attack on Black women (specifically Black girls) and their identity. We are under fire and we don’t know who’s attacking us.. and some of us don’t even realize that we are in a fight. Next, we have to be intentional about rejecting and refuting these images! There have to be counter examples; we have to remind the younger generations of their worth and remind them that being a Black girl is an awesome thing. That is why I believe movements like #BlackGirlsRock  are so vital! Given the circumstances we have to have a consistent reminder that being a Black girl is a phenomenal experience, just like being a girl of any other nationality, ethnicity, color, or creed is. No one is better than the other. We just must remind Black girls that their blackness is not a determent, but a unique life experience that is filled with richness, culture, and beauty and that they are not substandard to any other race or ethnicity. Lastly, we are responsible for not reproducing these images. I know I’ve done it a million times. Whether is sending or posting a funny meme or making an off color comment, I have added to the damaging images that negatively impact Black women and girls. It is critical that if we want to change the social landscape we must start by changing ourselves. 

Black women are amazing, valuable creatures not some second place prize.  I believe it is our responsibility to be critical of what we allow to be said about ourselves and to become the gatekeepers who protect the future generations from damaging words and images.  

I think that it is time for us to start reminding ourselves of who we really are!

Please post your thoughts, questions, and comments below!

The TEN best lessons I’ve learned in 2013

In a time when everyone is making resolutions, I’m just reflecting! Here are ten life lessons that I’ve learned this year… It may be long, but it’s worth it! :)

10. Things get better

 

At the start of this year I was having some difficulties; work, school, my purpose, friends and family... things just felt unsettled. Things got so bad that I was walking around with a twitchy eye and upset stomach for almost 8 whole weeks! For those of you who don’t know a repeated eye twitch is the sign that you aren’t right! NO ONE’S eye should be twitching for that length of time! So let’s just cut to the chase, I was really stressed out and somewhat unhappy. I am usually an optimist so this type of mood, is out of my nature and makes me a crabby patty to be around.

However, despite it all I stayed the course, and even more importantly I prayed and never stopped praying (even when my faith was low). Now don’t get me wrong my life is far from perfect, but I can assure you that things just got better. It seems like when we are in the middle of a storm it feels like things are going to last forever, but the truth is you’ve been in a storm before and guess what? The sun came out again. No matter HOW BAD things get, we have to remember that every storm will eventually run out of rain. And the icing on the cake is that the worst storms usually bring out the best rainbows.

9. Travel

This one is simple; get out and see the world! This year I was fortunate enough to experience six different countries in Europe. It was amazing! Germany, Spain, France, Italy, The Vatican, and Monaco.. It was truly the vacation of a lifetime and I must say that ROME. WAS. AMAZING! Don’t let you legacy be limited to your location (I think I just preached a word, lol… if you tweet that, just give me my credit j/k), but really seeing the world changed me, you realize that life is bigger than your circle and what’s happening in your zipcode. Get out there and see the world.

8. Don’t Waste Your Time

I once REALLY REALLY REALLY liked this guy, I thought that he was probably one of the best things since sliced bread, Chi flatirons, and red matte lipstick.. I think you get it, I thought this guy was better than the bomb (I mean I listed him up there with red matte lipstick… there are not many earthly things I’m more enamored by) . A modern day prince if you asked me.

But this year taught me that he thought I was.. well… how do I say this… ummm..well.. IRRELEVANT.  Yep, I said it; the brother couldn’t possibly care less. Like any good player, it was dang hard for me to come to this realization, but it’s true and the truth shall set you free. So I picked up my pride, dusted it off, and marched on, but not without a good life lesson in hand; those people who want to be in your life will do everything in their power to stay there, and those who don’t, won’t! It is just that simple!

This lesson though REAL hard to swallow, was twofold for me because it also taught me to not waste my time trying to make a circle fit into a square. If a person does not want to spend their time with you, they WON’T. Try real hard not to make excuses for why that person is not around and walk away. I know I personally made mental excuse after mental excuse about why he was not ever present in my life, and the cold hard truth is that he just didn’t want to be.  I just realized that I wasted a lot of time, when I could have been out saving the world! #gameover

7.  Love = Liberation

Over the past few years I have been a student, well let me be honest, I’ve been a student since I was three with never longer than a one year break. So I guess one would say I KNOW school but this current program that I am in has drastically changed my thinking in ways that I would have never imagined. I have learned more about social justice and the injustices of our society in the past 2.5 years than I have learned throughout my whole life, let’s just say that things got real. Well, in that realness I read one of the most influential books of my life entitled Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire. In order for me to completely rehash this book and its awesomeness I would need to write pages upon pages and this post is getting long enough and I still have six more topics to write about, so I will be short, the book talks about radical love! Radical love that can heal our communities, restore our societies, and liberate the people. If you don’t listen to anything else I say, I challenge you to read one book this upcoming year that challenges your thinking and is deeper than The Chronicles of the Baddest Hood Mistress in the Ghetto who Wants to Get Saved.

6. Believe them

People will be people and trust me we are all due the opportunity to make a few mistakes, but sometimes we need to believe people when they first show us who they are. I talked to a guy for a little while, and then out of the blue he disappeared. Came back, apologized, and disappeared again.  Only to reappear some time later, do I need to mention that he disappeared again or nah? The moral of this story is simple; after that first disappearing act I should have believe that this was in fact his character and that disappearing just might be his thing. I put myself through unnecessary stress on this one. SMH. Giving a person a second chance that has shown you their patterns is a little foolish and brings into question your better judgment. I’m not judging cause I been there. Maya Angelou says it best “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

5. Change can be good

 

So this year I cut off all my hair! This decision was doubly dramatic for me, because I had been wearing a long curly weave for the last few years. The process was actually pretty intense and sort of soul stirring. However, it was something that I KNEW I had to do, I had lost the value of my own hair and my own natural beauty and I needed something that would bring ME back. I knew just taking the weave down was not enough so I chopped it all off. Hands down, this was one of my best decisions of 2013! I am no longer hiding under some artificial nest of hair… change can be REALLY good!

4. Let Life and Love Happen

Let me tell you a story.

This summer some of my friends and I decided to take a summer vacation get away! This was going to be great; sun and fun on the beach, what could be a better stress reliever? Well not quite, I had a huge paper due before the weekend was over, so I had no choice but to bring my computer along.  On the day we were slated to leave, we all had to arrive at the airport no later than 7am in order to catch the first flight out. I woke up around 4:30am and by the time we reached the airport I was a full-fledged crabby patty. Needless to say I was hungry and my eyes were barely open, I’m a morning person, but this day I just wasn’t feeling it. I grabbed something to eat and found a seat outside of our departure gate. Now, usually I am running my mouth talking and full of life but this day I was just out of sorts… sleepy and ready to get on with things. Just then two of my friends who happen to have known me the longest time spotted a man walking up to our gate with his kid. “Ohhh he’s so Martha’s type” one said. “He’s exactly what she likes” the other said. I glanced up quietly, checked him out, and put my head back down ignoring their comments. Yes, he was attractive, but I wasn’t interested in any men at the moment, I just wanted to go back to sleep. They chatted on for a few more moments and then let it go.

Twenty minutes later or so we all boarded the plane. I did not see the man anymore, but I can’t say that I was checking for him either. I found my seat, I was in the aisle, my friend was by the window and there was a stranger in between us. After I realized that I would be getting NO sleep on this flight (I never do), I did what any good nerd would do and I took out my computer to get to work. My friend made a comment that she was proud of me for doing my work and said that this graduate degree wouldn’t get itself. I typed along for an hour or so before she woke up feeling sick and headed to the bathroom. Feeling sick she came back to our row and asked me to switch seats with her so that I could take the window and she could take the aisle seat. I agreed and quickly moved seats. Not five minutes after I sat down did I hear someone mumbling behind me (I’m not sure about anyone else but my hearing is VERY limited in the air). “What are you getting a graduate degree in?” the voice said, and then I knew that someone was talking to me. I turned around and to my surprise; it was the man that we saw boarding the plane. Before I knew it we were talking until we reached our destination. His conversation was prefect and I'm not sure if I mentioned that he was FINE, NO VERY FINE!

We exchanged email addresses and by following Monday we had talked on the phone and made plans to hang out. Long story short; he was amazing. Like behind amazing! We even got to hang out after we each got back home and everything was perfect. Now as perfect as this story may seem, things didn’t work out. As fairytale as things seemed I could have become disgruntled and upset, but I didn’t. There is a very important moral to this story; just let life and love happen. Don’t try to plan for it. Don’t run from it. And when things don’t work out don’t be bitter!

3. It’s Okay to Fail

I think I have tried to do just about everything (well at least in my mind I have). And much of what I have tried to do has failed. I started a non-profit in 2009; that failed. I started an online store in 2012 (www.accessoryicon.com) , that’s about to go out of business. The list could go on and on and on… But despite all of my failures, I’m going to always keep trying again.

2. Stay Connected to Your Source

This year spiritually has been very interesting for me. Although I never completely gave up on God, I had some times when my spirit was low; I thought that I could do this life thing by myself. I don’t think I ever would have come out and said that, but my actions showed what I really felt deep down inside.  I didn’t read my Bible the way I should and I didn’t talk to God the way I should. I was just rolling and sometimes trying to roll alone. But then there were times when I was deeply connected with God and I leaned on him for support and I talked to him about everything. To make a long story short, I was a roller coaster and He never wavered! What a Mighty God we serve.  

1. You are enough

In a world where we are constantly reminded that we aren’t tall enough, smart enough, wild enough, pretty enough, rich enough, wise enough, thin enough, or cool enough. This year has taught me that I am enough. No matter who you are, what you’ve done, or what you have been through… YOU.ARE.ENOUGH.

Happy New Year :)

Why Being Authentic is SO important!

http://elitedaily.com/news/world/this-video-will-have-you-completely-rethink-how-you-conduct-yourself-online-and-in-person-video/

So I recently stumbled upon this little gem, and I was immediately captivated by the message. It really confirms many of the ideas that I had about the social media world that we live in and its effect on the human psyche. It’s like are we ready for this rapid evolution of society and what negative byproducts will it bring? But that happens to be another story for a totally different day, right now I will focus on another major point that the video brings up and that is AUTHENTICITY!

Maybe it’s just me, but I know I edit MYSELF constantly! Even in deciding to start writing a blog, I have procrastinated a million times because I felt that I needed to edit myself.  Just like the video says, that’s what the digital age has taught us to do, consistently rethink and second guess what we are going to say and how we are going to say it, all in order to get more ‘likes’.  I mean let’s face it, we post pictures, share videos and links, make commentary on pop culture, all in efforts to shape other’s image of us, and when it all boils down, to make them ‘like’ us.

I believe this is the one of the biggest flaws of the digital age (only coming second to our need for instant gratification), is this idea that we can craft our identities in the virtual world and that others will desire to make a connection with us, based solely on those personas. Although that’s all cute and well it is inauthentic and many times it is just plain out false.  If I pulled up any of my social media profiles you would see a host of images and quotes that paint me to be a certain kind of person, though these posts are REAL pictures of me and quotes that probably inspire me, they aren’t me holistically, NOT EVEN CLOSE! Those pictures don’t show me when I’ve just rolled out of bed and my hair is ALL over the place, those quotes don’t explain how some days I can be THE wicked witch of the west with a sharp tongue and a bad attitude, or how I can be totally moody and escapist. They don’t show you much of my bad side at all, I am editing the content to make myself seem fun, smart, beautiful, and worthwhile… and although at any time of the day I could embody any or all of those characteristics, that’s not ALL that I am… I have some pretty ugly sides as well… some major areas of improvement.

 I like to think of it like this, my closest friends in life all met me in REAL TIME! They know me; the good, the bad, and the flat out ridiculous…but they love me because they know the authentic me…  NOT who I want to be! So this post serves as somewhat of a reminder that in a world of virtual identities, log off a little more and focus on the unedited version of you… I’m sure that person is better anyway (and if they aren’t, take some time to make them that way).

Morning Music…

Whatever it is.

PJ Morton- We Can Work it Out.

Morning Music…

Soul.

Yaw- Where Will You Be.

Perfection.

Lauryn Hill - The Makings of You

About me.

My name is Martha, yes really Martha, and I am a student and free thinker from the Windy City. Formally educated and gainfully employed, I am a seeker of new knowledge, love, and pure happiness. I am a daughter, Christian, social critic, spoiled brat, sister, educator, student, optimist, best friend, love enthusiast, do-gooder, confidant, and aspiring writer. My hope is to write about life, love, and many colorful critiques on society and culture. Deeply influenced by the souls and struggles of black people and of American society as a whole, this blog is my story.